im a sad girl

I might despise being so self aware. It is the only thing that’s stopping me from living in the moment. I preach so much about enjoying today right now, that it is to the point that I silently resent. Why am I so focused on future problems when they have not even arised? I feel content for once, then ponder the regret I’ll face in the coming months. I feel good for once, then remember the feeling won’t last forever. It is apparent that I am stuck in an everlasting loop of self sabotage of my own overthinking. Of course, this wasn’t just a pitiful experience I have recently encountered, but it stems from the traumatic damage I have faced before emotionally. I’m aware I can’t go back in time, but I feel I have control over repeating those past mistakes once again. I never want to endure that pain so innocently as a virgin to trauma. So, when I taste an ounce of happiness, I brace myself carefully for the coming emptiness I will soon be facing. This is all due to my regret of not preparing for unexpected and impulsive emotional damage after feeling safe and secure for so long. At the least, I find comfort in planning for the worst.

12.03.2021