im a sad girl

Sometimes, I don’t want to exist anymore. You hear my name, but you also hear every detail and story ever said about me. All my mistakes, flaws, and perceptions of myself through other people’s eyes have me constantly yearning for a chance to be someone else, or at least pretend to. Not that I haven’t tried before, with Jupiter. I was a young, hurt, full of self loathe, natural long black hair having insecure girl, who willingly suffered in silence. Jupiter was everything I wasn’t. She even wore a short platinum blonde wig to fit that character. I felt a sense of gravitation towards this new personality. The same way opposite poles of a magnet are attracted to one another. That was my first mistake, thinking I could convince myself that I was confident enough, that I took countless photos and videos to post online to please the internet with. But no matter how hard I could try to runaway from myself, I was always the same looking girl with the same insecurities I found myself to have in the beginning. I stared even longer in the mirror at my reflection, knowing that I could no longer pretend to be someone I wasn’t.  I despised how I looked in the mirror, but it was only until I took off the blonde wig, makeup, and promiscuous clothing that I realized I was still me.

12.10.2021