K,
Late at night, I sit thinking about all the stories I would tell you, and jokes we could laugh about. There are so many things you never got to see. During after hours, the guilt over your death continuously haunts me.. I hate to wonder if the world will just keep spinning, while no one notices that you’re gone. For awhile, you were the face I’d search for in a crowd of people, just to have a walk to our morning class. You were my voice, when I was too afraid to speak up. I knew I could run to you with my problems and you’d always back me up, even through my faults. Though we began to drift apart in high school, we were never really strangers; exchanging smirks through passing periods and taking photos in the locker room. I haven’t removed you from any social media, because I always come back just to remind myself of you, reminiscing on old conversations and staring at your face. While your presence was truly magnetic, your absence can be felt a million times stronger. I wish you’d stay longer, even for a little while. I’d transfer all your pain to myself if it meant I’d have a chance for a proper goodbye.
On some night in February 2020, I was at a punk show in a pizza parlor moshing through strangers. It was more like being pushed around and stomped on by sweaty randoms. M and B were drunk out of their minds. First it was a few drinks, and suddenly it was not being able to walk or stand without assistance. They were so messed up, speech slurred, and passed out on cheap wooden chairs. In turn, their lack of awareness left no room for viable conversation. M and B couldn’t properly speak. In an attempt to get them home safely, we hoped to call a ride share service for them, but had no destination address. I knew you were old friends with B, but weren’t exactly on good terms at the moment, but I still decided to ask you if you knew an address. And like the true friend you were, you had no address, just simply a circled map of the route you took to walk to B’s house. M and B safely and successfully arrived home, all thanks to you. You set aside your personal differences for the well-being of people you once cared about, truly the most selfless thing an ‘enemy’ could do. The next day, M and B had forgotten how they ended up home in one piece. They never knew your help was the major key in them being spared from danger, and they continued to pretend like you didn’t exist.
I can’t imagine B’s guilt over your death. You were practically like sisters, and fuels to each other’s flames. Everyone could see how closely knit you always were together. I believe the major downfall in your friendship was how uniquely similar you were. I never understood how easily it was for someone to walk away from a person that knew them better than they knew themself. I wonder how B felt about your death, knowing you were on bad terms, and that the last time you spoke was an argument. I wouldn’t blame B for being so bitter at the world, and having to live with only the memory of you.
It’s extremely difficult to talk about you to anyone. Most people in my life didn’t know you like the way I did, or barely remember how wonderful you were. The world didn’t deserve you at all. You had the type of personality that drew everyone towards you, and your laughーcontagious. No one could be in your presence without eluding a large smile or hysterical laughter from your messed up humor. You encouraged me to go after anything I could imagine, and so with that, I write in memory of you.
See you in heaven,
Jasmine
im a sad girl 
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